EXPOSING THE TRUTH PART ONE

Hi everyone! It has been approximately four months since I posted anything and I apologize for that. I had a few set backs that I have been dealing with and trying to find a place to store them in my mind has taken a lot longer than I thought it would but I'm back, for now any ways and in the spirit of my openness and honesty I thought I'd share with you what I was going through prior to those four months.  I know I usually post things about fashion of my adventures but tonight I wanted share something that I recently went through with you.

For those of you who know me, I'm sure you're highly aware of my feelings on bullying, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, pretty much any kind of abuse but for those of you who don't, I'll explain. I am extremely against bullying and any kind of abuse and after my experiences with it, I swore up and down that I would never let it happen to me again or so I thought.  I've always said I would never tolerate a man putting his hands on me or disrespecting me as a person. I would shake my head in shame for the women that stayed with an abusive person, I never understood it and I couldn't help but lose respect for those women that chose to stay. Well, I'm here to apologize on behalf of those women because the saying runs true, you never know what someone is going through until you go though it too.

As you all know I was in a relationship with a guy around July and though I excelled at making it seem perfect, the reality of it was far from perfection. The reality is actually hard to digest. Its very difficult to talk about but just knowing I could possibly help someone in my situation see that there is a way out would be more than worth the embarrassment of exposing the truth to you.

Let me make it known that when things were good between him and I, we were great but when they were bad it was catastrophic. He did spoil me with lavish gifts and expensive trips at the beginning of our relationship and at first he was perfect but I would soon realize how short-lived that would be. We dated for five months and not even two months into our relationship, we began fighting. Our fights weren't just minor miscommunications, they were full on, screaming matches except I never screamed back, I somehow would lose my ability to speak and it would just be him in my face verbally throwing all my insecurities into focus. He violated my spirit, my mind and even my body over and over again. He went as far as to tell me not to wear something and if I tried to stand up to him he never failed to make me regret it. He had no problem making me feel stupid or ridiculing me for my passions and beliefs. And I can honestly say I have never been in so much physical and emotional pain in my entire life. I was completely alone and miserable, I started questioning my sanity, my worth, why I was still breathing. I truly thought about checking into a mental hospital because he messed me up so badly. I was not allowed to wear anything to bed even if I was freezing because he would get mad. Nothing I ever did was considered enough in his eyes and I just couldn't understand why I was the way I was. I felt defective and completely incompetent. I never told anyone all the things he was doing to me and maybe it was because of fear or embarrassment or it might have been the fact that no one would believe that Mr. perfect could do these kinds of things. Whatever the reason I had no choice but to keep quiet about my personal hell. You might be wondering why I stayed with him for as long as I did. I have never completed anything in my life other than graduating high school, I always give up a couple weeks into something whether it be a job or a project or a relationship (with men anyway). When something gets too hard my automatic response is to shut down give up and walk away. I just really wanted to break the habit, I wanted to make myself grow up so I stayed and endured the pain. I just kept telling myself it would get better, I just have to be a better girlfriend. The day I decided to leave would be one that will stick with me forever.

We had just fought two days before and weren't exactly on talking terms. He left around 2pm and told me he was going to the store for a bit. I said okay I love you, he said nothing. Hours went by with no texts and no calls from him. I had just finished cooking his dinner, it was around 8 pm when I texted him saying I know you don't want to hear from me right now but I just wanted to let you know I made you dinner so its ready for you whenever you get home, I love you. He replied two hours later with five words... "I'm gonna be home late" and I said okay thank you for letting me know. So what's late? 12 am? 3am? 6am? I remember falling asleep on the couch after crying on the phone to my mom for hours. When I woke up, I immediately checked my phone only to find  an empty call list and inbox, the clock read 8am. I went upstairs to see if he had come home while I was sleeping, he hadn't. I told my mom he hadn't come home and that I had yet to hear from him, she told me that I should just pack my things and my dad would be on his way to come get me.

 I have never been more terrified in my entire life. I tried to gather my stuff as fast as I possibly could running to the window to check for his car every two minutes and then I heard the garage door open and my heart just... dropped. I still to this day can't listen to a garage door without my heart plummeting. In that moment I feared for my life. I had no idea what was going to happen. I heard his footsteps and all I remember thinking was "Oh God, please be watching over me right now." As he came into the room our eyes met. I couldn't move. There I stood, packed bags in hand, frozen in fear uncertain of what he would do to me. Instead of questioning what was wrong or suggesting we should sit down and talk about this, his immaturity took over. "Almost got all your stuff packed up?" Yes,. "Your parents coming to get you?" Yes,. "Ok great." He walked out and before I had a chance to recollect what just happened, he charged back in the room with all guns blazing. Screaming in my face, throwing objects at me, ripping my things to shreds and yelling the most awful things you could ever imagine. And even though I was in tears trying to hide from him in the closet, he continued on for what seemed like hours. When my dad finally arrived and I got into his car and we drove away, I cant explain the feeling that came over me as anything else but relief and gratitude. It felt amazing and for the first time in five months, I felt true honest to God happiness.

I still believe to this day if my dad didn't get there when he did, I would've been terribly hurt if not dead. I have no doubts. I feel very lucky and thankful to have been able to get out when I did but some women do not get that chance. If you are in an abusive relationship whether it be verbal, physical, emotional or sexual please know that, that's not real love. Real love is always selfless, kind and accepting. It makes you want to be the best person you can be, it's not supposed to make you feel uncomfortable or like you cant be yourself. Real love doesn't make you question your worth or why you are the way you are and it certainly doesn't make you fear for your life. It makes you feel alive not dead.

I struggle everyday with trying to forgive him and not hate him for the things he did to me and somedays its just too hard to even think about it but I am trying. I have however learned to forgive myself for letting it happen. I think you have to, we're only human and sometimes we forget to watch out for ourselves because we're so wrapped up in that other person and the perfect picture of them we have created in our minds. We get comfortable and don't want to leave even though we know how much we need to. There's a quote that I absolutely love, "Life and happiness begins at the end of your comfort zone." It's so true, I experienced it when I decided to get out of my abusive relationship and now it's your turn. You have to remember how valuable and vital you are to this world, you need to know that you are wanted and appreciated and that you don't deserve to be treated this way no matter what they've told you or made you believe. Here this when I say, there is nothing wrong with you and that your pain and suffering matters to someone, it matters to me. It's not insignificant and neither are you.

Below are some hotlines that I highly recommend for those of you that need or know someone that needs the support, advice or just someone to listen:

       The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
     The National Suicide Prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

You can also email me at emmybearrr@yahoo.com and I will be more than happy to listen and help you as much as I can. Thank you so much for reading I know this was a lot and for those of you who made it to this part, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. I love you and appreciate you all so much and remember I'm only a type away! <3 EM